Big feelings

My feelings tend to be big. Really big. Apparently, it’s common for autistic people. That’s why we have meltdowns and shutdowns. We can’t cope with our big feelings and either let it all out in a meltdown or shut down completely.

I haven’t had a meltdown since I’ve been on anti-depressants. My feelings have been mostly even since then. I don’t get really high ups or downs, but whatever I feel still feels overwhelming for me, not to the point of a meltdown, but certainly to the point of exploding out of my head. That’s why I started blogging, back in 2009

Back then, for the first time in a long time, I had no-one to talk to, no-one to share my big feelings with — so I wrote them out. And it helped. Every time I would write a post, I felt spent, and satisfied. The feelings were out and I could sleep easier. When people started reading my blog they told me I was brave for writing so openly about my feelings. I didn’t understand what they meant. Nobody I knew well read my blog. And even if they did, why would I be ashamed of sharing my feelings with them? What is so shameful about that? That is also part of being autistic. We don’t understand social norms. And it seems to be a social norm to be ashamed of one’s feelings, especially negative ones.

Now that I don’t blog any more, I tend to share my big feelings on social media and I am constantly warned by people about the wisdom of this. “Potential employers will see it!”. My profile is super private. If people who are my Facebook friends are put off by my big feelings surely that is a “them” problem rather than mine?

Still, it stops me from sharing too much. I’m mindful of who I am friends with and who I want to know shit about me.

Sometimes though the feelings are so big that I can’t stop myself. My anger at my ex for not paying child support. My anguish at losing my job and having no money to live on. My excitement at having learnt a new crafting technique. (Although happy things are not frowned upon.)

I don’t think I realise the effect of not having someone to vent to has had on me over the last 14 years. I can’t really vent to my kids and now that I don’t blog any more, all my feelings just sit all pent up inside. I don’t know what to do with them. Someone mentioned that Facebook groups are safer spaces for venting, but I have to say I don’t find them as satisfying, because the people there are not MY people. You never know what kind of feedback you are going to get in a group when all you want is love and support from your friends.

Why are people so taken aback by so-called “negative” feelings and emotions? Or even descriptions of bad life events? Why are we so committed to positivity on social media? Cannot we be there for each other in bad times, as well as in the good?

It’s true I don’t follow the news at all because it’s negative and sensationalised and it makes me feel bad, but also because there is nothing I can do about all the stuff that is reported. But there is something I can do when friends tell me about their hardships and sadness. I can express empathy and support and be there for them. I’ve always believed that a problem shared is a problem halved. So let’s share our problems and let each other know that we’re not alone when things go wrong in our lives.

When I’m not in the mood to read about other people’s problems, I have the choice to scroll past them, but I’m not going to police them when they share about their difficult times. I like to know that I’m not the only one to whom bad shit happens. I like to know the reality of other people’s lives. I’ve always used books, TV and film as a way to understand other people and figure out how to behave. Social media is now part of that for me, but sanitised social media doesn’t give me a true picture. I’ve always enjoyed complexity and grit in all my media and social is no different.

That makes me sound like I use people’s stories for entertainment, but it’s actually about connection. Same with other media. They all make me feel connected to the world. The more media I consume, the more connected I feel. I recognise myself and other people in the media I consume and the situations they depict. Knowing how to behave in social situations is not natural for me. I learn from what I observe. I probably copy what I observe.

Not having the capacity or opportunity to connect in person with anyone, I tend to spill my guts on the socials. Sometimes I will text or call my sister. Sometimes I will write it in a group chat. It’s not like I don’t have friends. It’s just that I don’t have anyone particularly close who’s available at a moment’s notice, or who I would want to bother with my trivial (for them) feelings.

Maybe I need to start blogging properly again, at least more than once every six months. Who knows? Would anyone read it?

What do you do with your big feelings? Or maybe yours aren’t so big?

Originally published at A blog of her own.